Be Kind

It’s been a couple of months since my last entry. I’ve been very unmotivated, very tired and uninspired. The holidays are quickly approaching and as some of you know the holidays are NOT “the most wonderful time of year” for a lot of people (me). I wish I could close my eyes and wake up in February, skip all the holidays and my birthday. For some (me) the holiday season is nothing but a reminder of what and who we lost. I’m extremely blessed and extremely grateful for my friends & family! They always make sure I’m ok, they check on me several times a day. If I don’t pick up the phone for a few hours they will appear at my door knocking like the police (I’m not exaggerating). Last year I decided to stay home during the holidays and although I know I have my friends & family I just rather be alone. People always tell me I’m always so happy and cheery and unless you know my story you would have NOOOO CLUE that my life is / has been turned upside down. I’ve said this before but before I leave my house I put on my mask which I call my "happy face". I’ve been spending a lot of time at home trying to focus on my wellbeing, journaling, doing a lot of self-care, I’ve been taking walks, catching sunsets, grounding and meditating. I've been focusing on me and my needs. This journey hasn't been easy but I'm here SURVIVING.

Also, I have a trip coming up in a few days. I’m going back to Greece. I’m excited but packing has been a challenge. How am I supposed to pack for 6 days in a small back pack? My toiletries alone require their own bag lol. I’ll TRY my best but make no promises to make an intentional travel post. The last couple of trips I truly was in the moment enjoying every second so my phone / camera was not in use.

I’ll end it here I just wanted to drop in and give a quick update.

Be kind because you have no idea what people are going through.

HAPPY LOVE DAY 2020

 Happy Valentine’s Day!! 

Love Day / Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be just about boxes of chocolates, balloons, expensive dinners etc etc.

DRAINED

brows done @ Shobha Madison

 Feeling sick SUCKS.  Right when I get the ball rolling and create a youtube vid I get sick.  Yes, I had the flu but prior to that I was feeling sick and now I'm just drained.  I have so many ideas for videos but now I don't have the energy.  I went to the doctor the end of February and nothing was done, he said "let's keep an eye on it".  I still have the same problem.  Every one thinks it's fibroids but the sonogram shows otherwise.  SO WHAT IS IT?!  I'll probably go to the ER this weekend for the sake of having blood drawn to check my levels, I am anemic to begin with and I'm sure my levels probably dropped by now.  Mentally I want to do so much but my body wants different.

In other news I went to do my eyebrows yesterday, this isn't ground breaking news lol I know but I haven't done them since December, I did them for my job's holiday party.  Nails were done too so YAY for that and I strolled around the city, even went to Sephora and bought a couple of items, again things I haven't done in a while.  I used to always, well every other Friday go to the city and have my me time.  It felt good and the weather was gorgeous!  It was a good evening!  Then the sky opened up and it poured lol but thankfully I was on my way home by then.  Depression does that to you!  It makes you tired and it makes you lose interest in everything but little by little I've been trying to take care of me more like old times.  I want to do mircro-blading, get lash extensions, dye this hair.  I'm excited about wanting to do this but then there's this part of me that's like but the Mr has scans again so lets wait and see how that comes out first.  I tend to do that a lot.  I put my stuff in the back burner until he's ok, until results are good, until I have the "green light".  Grooming or even trying to attempt to take care of me leads to feeling guilty.  Should I feel guilty?  Is this normal?

  

Quick hubby update:

A few weeks ago he had his scans and it wasn't good.  The medication that has been keeping the cancer "stable" stopped working so he's on a new treatment.  So in 2 weeks he has scans yet again to see if this new treatment is working.  He can't catch a break.  Now we're sort of on edge, sucks living like that.  Always with the what if?  What if these new meds....

Let me not put it out in the universe but you get the point.

Home update:

end table - overstock  //  mosaic mirror - pier 1  //  couch - reymour & flanging  //  pillows are a combo of home goods, tj maxi, target

We haven't done much the last 2 months because we needed a spending break.  Our main priority was furnishing but it's been about 2 months and Spring is approaching so its about that time we start again but this time its more home decor stuff.  Last weekend I purchased an end table, a lamp and mirrored art - all for the living room (still waiting for the lamp to arrive).  Next will be curtains and small seasonal decor stuff.  It's coming together and I'm happy with the progress so far.

No Patience

Confession:  My expectations were not realistic!!!  

I set a date where everything here would be completed excluding the basement because I know that is a whole other grueling project.  Spring is right around the corner then the yard will be another project.  I thought I was going to be completely unpacked and settled in by New Year's Day, it didn't happen.  Yesterday I lost my cool to say the least meaning this entire process is taking a toll on me.  My current headache right now is my office / dressing room which is where all my boxes and storage bins are.  This room is giving me the most trouble to complete start, correction made because I barely started working on this room.    Yesterday we went to IKEA to buy my dresser and desk, of course no dresser SOLD OUT!  WHAT?!!!  IKEA doesn't have an item 😒 since when?  This is the part where I take it personally and say the universe is against me ha ha but really.  I opted to have it delivered tho, more waiting like this....

REAL STRUGGLE 😡

Between this and work I literally have no time for personal care - mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally.  I know patience is of virtue and all great things take time - I get it.  I just wish this process was a little faster.  I still have so much to do.  Curtains, wall decor, etc etc, this has been such an expensive AND time consuming process which I know in due time will be worth it but until then expect me to be a little more stressed, a little more grey 👵 a little more broke - HA!!  

This is the dresser we got.  I really wanted the 12 drawer because I know I could use the space but the Mr mentioned the 12 drawer may be a bit too high and may not be practical to display my perfumes / crystals. 

I originally didn't plan on getting this desk but it made sense to get.  It's big and we both get our own work space which we need, I'm neat and he's a bit more uummmm scattered.  Our set up is slightly different which you'll get to see in another post.  We put it together last night but so far its perfect!  I wish IKEA sold the glass to put on top for easy cleaning.  

This time around I'm going with white and mirror furniture.  Most of my furniture in the apartment was dark / black which I think at times wasn't good for our mood.  Colors play a role with energy and mood and I'm leaving the dark behind and inviting pure, positive and glam vibes into our home. 

Vacation Over

Annnnd just like that vacation is over!!!  Ugh, why can't these days go by slowly?  More like a slow work week!  WHY?

Vacation was nice, it was everything we wanted it to be - quiet and relaxing.  As I mentioned in my previous post we weren't looking to "turn up", we simply wanted some quiet time.  I didn't take many pictures, I wanted to enjoy the moment, BE IN THE MOMENT.  My phone spent a lot of time in the safe which is SURPRISING!  If you know me you know I always have my phone in my hand whether it is on or off is a whole other topic lol but its in my hand regardless.  We often miss important details because our nose is buried in our phone, social media rules most of us sadly.  This time around was different tho and it was nice.  We slept a lot, we "worked out", I focused on my mental and spiritual self.  I wrote in my journal almost every night, I colored, meditated I went to the spa multiple times, I took care of my body.  It felt good, no it felt GREAT, AMAZING, WONDERFUL!!!  I did not have anxiety at all, I was super relaxed both mentally and physically.  Why don't I do this at home?  Because life - that's why.

 I promised myself to bring some of that self care home and just pick a day when I do it - a ME DAY.  I used to have this day as a teen all the way into my 20's then it stopped, not completely but yeah, it stopped.

As I mentioned I really didn't take pictures but I posted some on my Instagram - go follow if you aren't already so that you can keep up with me.

As usual thank you for reading       

labradorite crystal and a new journal

meditation literally on the ocean AMAZING!

his daily walk

He’s Back!

Hubby Update:

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to ask how he's doing.  Thank you for all of the love, support and prayers!  It means a lot to us.

Life has been pretty good – no complaints on this end!!  We truly feel blessed!  The Mister is doing so much better.  I find myself saying "heeeee's baaaaaack" lol.  It’s been so nice to see him transform from being depressed and bed ridden to being energetic and independent.  He’s back to his normal self, not 100% but damn near close.  Even his doctor continues to be amazed!!!

We are going on a much needed vacation and we could not be more excited.  We've been through so much these last 8 months so we're just gonna take some time to reflect and relax.  We're going on another cruise so stay tuned!  

I’m attaching some photos of him from this past month.  Hope you enjoy!!

He's back on the road and he could not be happier.  Me on the other hand, well I'm more on the nervous side.

He's more fashion conscious!!  It is the most funniest thing.  He bought new clothes since he no longer fits in any of his old stuff.  When he gets dressed he'll take a selfie and sends it to me to make sure he looks good and is well coordinated.  I'm like - dude who are you?  ha ha

*blue everything cause that's his favorite color*

My 40th Birthday

Hello my gorgeous readers!!

In my previous post I said I'd keep you posted on how the Mr is doing but honestly so much has been going on.  I honestly haven't had the time.  Since my last post he has been hospitalized 2 more times.  It has been hard and emotionally / physically draining.  It is so easy to lose sense of self if you're not careful.  I'm fortunate enough to have my in-laws especially his sister who gives me a heads up on when she's visiting and insists I take some time for myself.  As a care giver you definitely need a break, some you time.  I'm very independent and I hate help.  If I can do it alone I would, shit I actually prefer to do things on my own.  Accepting help is not something that is easy for me to do, never was.  But take it from me, if you're in my shoes and have people offering to help, TAKE THE HELP!!!!  Don't feel guilty about it either.  You have to take care of you before you can help any one else.  I'm learning that now, some things still aren't easy for me but I'm adjusting. 

I spent my 40th birthday in the hospital, one of the saddest days of my life.  That day they made it seem like he had no time, we had to make a decision about DNR although there was a proxy, he was being released under hospice care which means the end is near, he barely woke up, spoke, I don't think I even got a "happy birthday from him".  I cried so so much that day, I went to church and cried some more.  I prayed, prayed so much!  Luckily for me I have a great support system!  I received tons of phone calls, face time, texts etc.  My in-laws came with a cake, my friends from work / BFF surprised me at the hospital with a cake, balloons, champagne, gifts etc, my sister in-law and niece came with more gifts and we went to the bar for some food and drinks.  It helped a little, cheered me up.  But once everyone went home I was stuck with a champagne bottle, drinking right in his room watching him sleep, thinking about how different last year was.  There I was, sad as fuck again, on my 40th.  Afraid of what was going to happen next.

Today he is much better and I am beyond grateful!!!!  He's not 100% himself, he can't be alone, is very weak still but he gets around and does what he can as best as he can.  He's so much better I may even return to work soon - Monday hopefully.  I take nothing for granted.  Life is hella short, live it, love it, live each day as if it were your last.  Have drama with anyone, let that shit go!  It's not worth it!!!  Time is way too short - time is too precious!!

Thank you for reading!

xo
Erika

Bloody Update

Today started off rough!  The Mr is thinner, weaker, more tired, extremely pale. Getting him dressed to go to the doctor took about 2 hours, between the constant bathroom runs and the exhaustion.  His parents patiently waited 2 hours for us in their car.  Before we left the house I told him “you’re going to receive fluids and a transfusion” and he just nodded OK and put his head on my chest - he’s exhausted and tears quickly filled my eyes and all I could do at that moment was hold him and pray!  I can almost always tell what’s going to happen before seeing the doctor.  It’s one of the things I’ve always been good at, maybe I’m just extremely in tune with him, maybe it’s a gift. Who knows?!  As I told him he received fluids because he’s dehydrated and right now we’re waiting to be called so that he can get his blood transfusion. Keep in mind today was supposed to be a routine visit, nothing more but like I said I knew it would turn into something more once the results to his blood work came in and that's usually less than a 1/2 hour after drawing blood (they work fast).  Anyways, hoping and praying this makes him feel better *fingers crossed*!!  They’ve taken so much blood already and he’s gotten so much paler since being here.  THANK YOU to those that donate blood, you have no clue what a difference it makes. You are the real MVP!!!!

(rewinding back a step, fluids were given in one building and transfusion in another)
Upon arriving to our treatment suite the Chaplin spotted us. She seemed surprised to see us, she always checks the schedule so she knows exactly when the Mr is in the building but this was a last minute appointment.  My initial reaction upon seeing this woman is almost always “UGH”.  Not in a bad way but more like here comes the water works!  She ALWAYS makes me cry and usually with just the first question!  I don’t wanna cry any more, I don’t wanna talk about the future any more.  But wait!!  She says a quick hello and continues on with her business.  YES!  I felt like I dodged a bullet, she didn't want to speak to us today - great!  WRONG!!  Minutes later she walked in our room, introduced herself to my in-laws and asked if we (she and I) could take “ a walk”, by this time the hubby was asleep receiving his fluids.  I really didn’t want to go but how do you tell the Chaplin NO lol.  His parents are here and I don’t want them to see me crying.  I’m supposed to be strong!  I got this and tears sometimes is a sign of weakness and weak I am NOT!

After speaking with the Chaplin I decided to take a quick walk then I went to the bathroom to wash my face.  It was obvious tho that I’ve been crying, my face was beet red, eyes hella puffy.  The Mr noticed, I wonder if anyone else did?

UPDATE (later in the evening, 1:30 something a.m. I think):  The blood transfusion did not go as planned. He spiked a fever, heart rate was high and blood pressure was low. FUUUUUCK!!!!  FUCK MY DAMN LIFE!  This isn’t how its supposed to go!!!  I was expecting for him to receive his 2 units of blood, he was supposed to get his rosy color back and most importantly he was supposed to feel better!  Eventually we went from clinic setting to getting an expensive ambulance ride to the ER literally less than 2 blocks away.  15+ hours later we're still here and by this point we’re all exhausted.  I guess I should end it here. A long night awaits me...

Thank you for reading and I hope you all have a blessed day!  

Happy 2018

I hope everyone had a great New Year! 

Mine was pretty good considering.  It was spent with family which was a little different, I can’t remember the last time the husband and I did that.  The last couple of years we celebrated alone in our home, I was usually asleep by 12am.

Speaking of which the husband is doing ok, every day is a challenge.  He’s just not the same, nor does he look the same, people are noticing and they're all concerned.  He’s supposed to start treatment; actually he was supposed to start about 2 weeks ago.  The insurance denied it because he’s a MALE.  Like how is this even possible?!  He’s a male with breast cancer so the one treatment he has left and the one treatment the doctor is most hopeful about is the one giving us the most trouble to obtain.  We’re in the appeal process, we're all praying and keeping our fingers crossed.  I’ll keep you updated on that.     

The thing about going through a difficult time is that you tend to lose yourself.  Today’s comment first thing in the morning at work was “why does your hair look like that?”  Uuummmm, because I had no time to comb my hair, THAT'S WHY.  I have more important things to worry about at this point and my appearence is at the bottom of the list.  Yes, I should be taking care of myself, I get it, but when you feel down and depressed usually getting cute is the last thing on your mind.  At this point just be happy I showered *joking / not really* lol.  Depression, sadness and hard times in general can really be a mother fucker.  

I’m going to attach some random photos from Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve.  Hope yall enjoy!!!  Sorry for the poor quality, pics taken from my iPhone.

My Fighter

Jammies: Target from the Hearth & Hand with Magnolia collection.  I'm literally obsessed!!!

My New Year's Eve outfit of the night.  Simple and comfy.  Jeans:  F21

Hospital Stay - Day 17

*waving hello from the hospital*

Yup, still here!  Yesterday was rough for both him and I.  I woke up excited because he was supposed to be discharged, I could not be happier!  I had plans to make sure he was ok and settled in first and foremost BUT I was looking forward to a nice / much needed bubble bath followed by some sleep in my comfy bed.  Unfortunately he was just in too much pain and discomfort.  I wish I could take all this agony away from him - I really do!  Throw it back into the universe and let it disappear somewhere.  He kept asking for pain medication which in turn leads to him sleeping the day away, no appetite which also leads to him feeling nauseous.  He just can't catch a break!!!

Hearing the nurse say he did not get cleared to go home just broke my heart.  Aaahhhh the disappointment!  The frustration!!!  I didn't let him see me but tears came to my eyes.  I just want to go home already, I want some alone time, ME TIME!!!  I miss going to work and just doing normal things like normal people.  Normal - whatever that really means.  Perhaps this is my normal, seems that way at least.  As frustrating and stressful as all this is if they say we have to spend another night here then hey, whatever it takes for him to feel better.  No one said it would be easy but I got this, we got this.  I'm clearly getting all my strength from somewhere so I'm gonna keep on doing what I do best - take care of him.

"you don't know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have"

CANCER SUCKS

Hello Everyone!

I couldn't sleep, its only 10:34pm but it seems everyone goes to bed early around here so I'm left alone and awake.  This post will be a little different, it will not be about beauty, fashion, home decor etc etc.  This is more of a personal/deeper post...

...tonight I write from a hospital family lounge while my husband is asleep.  I never talked about his condition.  I might of dropped subtle hints but I never fully written about it because not everyone (family) knew about his situation.  It's sort of out in the open now so why not talk a little about our journey. 

Without giving too much detail he has been battling (metastatic) Breast Cancer for quite some time now - since 2005 to be exact.  Yes, Breast Cancer!  Men get it too!!!!  Shocked?!  Don't be!  Several years ago statics showed that 1% of men got Breast Cancer, now that number has risen to 2%.  Crazy right?!  It has been a long hard road that only seems to be getting harder.  He's been admitted in the hospital for the last 2.5 (long) weeks.  We spent Thanksgiving here, my sister in-law was amazing enough to bring us dinner all the way from Philly.  I could sit here and say it was the worst Thanksgiving I've had in a while but nope, I will not say that because we were surrounded by people that genuinely love us.  At the end of the day that's what matters!    

Cancer fucking sucks!  It drains you mentally, physically and emotionally.  I live in constant fear especially when its time for scans.  Lately its been nothing but bad news and in my heart I know what that means.  Lets keep it real, you either survive this or you don't.  

Anyways, I'm going to end it here.  I had big plans for this blog, I had outfits of the day ready, haul posts among other stuff but the way my life is set up at this point I can't tell you what I'll be writing about next.  Be it fashion or beauty or about my life either way I'll try to post what I can.  After all, there is no greater way to release some tension/stress than to write about it.  Who knows, maybe I'll be able to help someone that is going through what I'm going through.  

Support is major key!!

What Niche?

Hello friends,

So, lately I’ve really been thinking about this whole blogging thing.  Something I enjoy doing BUT haven’t had the chance to do to the capacity that I wish.  I have tons of excuses, like:  not having the right camera, school, work, life.  I simply do not have the time to sit behind a computer and write.  I’m trying to find it within myself to find the time though.  I really am!! 

I’ve been doing some research on how to have a successful blog and most say “find your niche and stick with that”.  According to some, not sticking to one thing translates to being messy.  I disagree but whatever!  What is my niche tho?  I’m into everything!  Do I have to stick to one thing – really?  Do readers not want to see a little bit of everything be it life, beauty, fashion, travel, photography etc.?

I recently purchased a new camera and now that school is over I definitely plan on using it for blogging.  I’m still learning how to use it but hopefully this new camera will be my motivation to blogging on a consistent basis.  I plan on blogging about whatever I find interesting, I refuse to limit myself.  I truly cannot stick to one thing, I’m an all over the place kinda gal.  A beautiful mess - ha ha!! 

Whatever context I choose to post I hope you all enjoy.   

XOXO,

Erika 💋

Happy 2017

Hello my beauties!! 

I hope 2017 has been nothing but blessings for you thus far, if it hasn't just know it'll get better - I PROMISE!!!!  Trust me...I know. 

 Finally a post after a quick scare.  Due to some carelessness on my part, I thought I lost my blog for good!  3 days later I'm back up and running *thank god*.  Although I do not post as often as I'd like my blog is my pride and joy!! 

As most of you know the new year means broken resolutions / promises.   Let me just name 2 most popular ones: diet and gym.   How many of us actually follow through??  Not me but I'm NOT going to lose hope HA HA HA.  My main focus for 2017 is to become a better me.  I'm focusing on my health, mind and spirit.  I'm going to try and focus on ME and not so much on everyone else's needs.  As my BFF, boo, my heart would say, "Erika has to do what Erika has to do to be happy", or something along those lines lol.  I will start doing things that'll make ME happy, be it, YouTube videos, more blogging, dance class, art, photography, etc.  

Anyways, in December I started YOGA and MEDITATION.  I love yoga so far...it is definitely a work out tho!   Whomever said yoga was easy LIED.  Liiiieeeed I tell ya lmao!!!!  I was not expecting to be as sore as I was the next morning but it gets better the more I go.  I'm not sure if all schools / yoga studios do this but we must remove our shoes upon entering, then you're greeted with a great big warming hug.  The hugging part was weird and still is.  I usually do not like to be touched, especially by strangers.  Everyone's energy is so welcoming, everyone is so calm and friendly.  I felt sooooo out of place in the beginning.  Class usually starts with a warm up, then yoga followed by meditation and breathing exercises.  After class we meet for tea time where we chat and get to know each other.  There's always calming music playing and it always smells good, like incense I think.  The vibe in this place is simply amazing, I always leave feeling so refreshed and relaxed both mentally / physically.  

This is just the beginning but I hope to continue on this journey to becoming a better me.

 As usual thank you for reading.