HAPPY LOVE DAY 2020

 Happy Valentine’s Day!! 

Love Day / Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be just about boxes of chocolates, balloons, expensive dinners etc etc.

DRAINED

brows done @ Shobha Madison

 Feeling sick SUCKS.  Right when I get the ball rolling and create a youtube vid I get sick.  Yes, I had the flu but prior to that I was feeling sick and now I'm just drained.  I have so many ideas for videos but now I don't have the energy.  I went to the doctor the end of February and nothing was done, he said "let's keep an eye on it".  I still have the same problem.  Every one thinks it's fibroids but the sonogram shows otherwise.  SO WHAT IS IT?!  I'll probably go to the ER this weekend for the sake of having blood drawn to check my levels, I am anemic to begin with and I'm sure my levels probably dropped by now.  Mentally I want to do so much but my body wants different.

In other news I went to do my eyebrows yesterday, this isn't ground breaking news lol I know but I haven't done them since December, I did them for my job's holiday party.  Nails were done too so YAY for that and I strolled around the city, even went to Sephora and bought a couple of items, again things I haven't done in a while.  I used to always, well every other Friday go to the city and have my me time.  It felt good and the weather was gorgeous!  It was a good evening!  Then the sky opened up and it poured lol but thankfully I was on my way home by then.  Depression does that to you!  It makes you tired and it makes you lose interest in everything but little by little I've been trying to take care of me more like old times.  I want to do mircro-blading, get lash extensions, dye this hair.  I'm excited about wanting to do this but then there's this part of me that's like but the Mr has scans again so lets wait and see how that comes out first.  I tend to do that a lot.  I put my stuff in the back burner until he's ok, until results are good, until I have the "green light".  Grooming or even trying to attempt to take care of me leads to feeling guilty.  Should I feel guilty?  Is this normal?

  

Quick hubby update:

A few weeks ago he had his scans and it wasn't good.  The medication that has been keeping the cancer "stable" stopped working so he's on a new treatment.  So in 2 weeks he has scans yet again to see if this new treatment is working.  He can't catch a break.  Now we're sort of on edge, sucks living like that.  Always with the what if?  What if these new meds....

Let me not put it out in the universe but you get the point.

Home update:

end table - overstock  //  mosaic mirror - pier 1  //  couch - reymour & flanging  //  pillows are a combo of home goods, tj maxi, target

We haven't done much the last 2 months because we needed a spending break.  Our main priority was furnishing but it's been about 2 months and Spring is approaching so its about that time we start again but this time its more home decor stuff.  Last weekend I purchased an end table, a lamp and mirrored art - all for the living room (still waiting for the lamp to arrive).  Next will be curtains and small seasonal decor stuff.  It's coming together and I'm happy with the progress so far.

Best Friend Tingz

Hello beautiful people!

Roof Top Views

Quick hubby update:

He's doing pretty good.  Not 100% but definitely better AND he's looking pretty good too.  He recently celebrated a birthday and I along with his parents took him to the movies, dinner then Cheesecake Factory for dessert.  It was a great day and I'm extremely grateful.  I spent some time praying on it - all I wanted was for him to have a descent birthday and I'm happy we were granted that.  Prior to his birthday he mentioned to me that he had a feeling he was going to spend his birthday in the hospital.  God is great tho!!

 I fell in love with this sweater.  Not something he'd normally wear but he loved it and he looked great in it

he looked and felt good

In other news tho, yesterday was a great day - I spent the day with my BFF.  She's going to be happy she is FINALLY making a guest appearance on my blog and she doesn't know it yet - ha ha!!  It's not often we spend time due to my current situation but when we do its always fun.  My circle is small and honestly my closest friends are the ones I've grown up with since elementary / JHS but this chica right here snuck her way in LOL.  We share similar pasts, we have the same sick sense of humor, we laugh and cry together, she has a heart of gold and I appreciate her.  Anyway, we went to the spa which will remain nameless because they're a "no camera facility" so with that being said I'm posting these pics but shhhhh LOL.
(pics taken with my phone so excuse the poor quality)  

en route to the spa via uber where the drinking started

waiting for our facials

hot tub / jacuzzi fun

worst behavior swimsuit from FES

lunch time

I had tofu and brown rice while she had, ummmm....lol

she really fell asleep in the meditation room

chromatherapy / sauna

another sauna and this was the hottest

gold room - sauna

a lil jacuzzi action

I honestly loved this room - Igloo Room aka ice box lol

sleeping room

Sick of us yet?!  LOL
Thank you for reading!!

My 40th Birthday

Hello my gorgeous readers!!

In my previous post I said I'd keep you posted on how the Mr is doing but honestly so much has been going on.  I honestly haven't had the time.  Since my last post he has been hospitalized 2 more times.  It has been hard and emotionally / physically draining.  It is so easy to lose sense of self if you're not careful.  I'm fortunate enough to have my in-laws especially his sister who gives me a heads up on when she's visiting and insists I take some time for myself.  As a care giver you definitely need a break, some you time.  I'm very independent and I hate help.  If I can do it alone I would, shit I actually prefer to do things on my own.  Accepting help is not something that is easy for me to do, never was.  But take it from me, if you're in my shoes and have people offering to help, TAKE THE HELP!!!!  Don't feel guilty about it either.  You have to take care of you before you can help any one else.  I'm learning that now, some things still aren't easy for me but I'm adjusting. 

I spent my 40th birthday in the hospital, one of the saddest days of my life.  That day they made it seem like he had no time, we had to make a decision about DNR although there was a proxy, he was being released under hospice care which means the end is near, he barely woke up, spoke, I don't think I even got a "happy birthday from him".  I cried so so much that day, I went to church and cried some more.  I prayed, prayed so much!  Luckily for me I have a great support system!  I received tons of phone calls, face time, texts etc.  My in-laws came with a cake, my friends from work / BFF surprised me at the hospital with a cake, balloons, champagne, gifts etc, my sister in-law and niece came with more gifts and we went to the bar for some food and drinks.  It helped a little, cheered me up.  But once everyone went home I was stuck with a champagne bottle, drinking right in his room watching him sleep, thinking about how different last year was.  There I was, sad as fuck again, on my 40th.  Afraid of what was going to happen next.

Today he is much better and I am beyond grateful!!!!  He's not 100% himself, he can't be alone, is very weak still but he gets around and does what he can as best as he can.  He's so much better I may even return to work soon - Monday hopefully.  I take nothing for granted.  Life is hella short, live it, love it, live each day as if it were your last.  Have drama with anyone, let that shit go!  It's not worth it!!!  Time is way too short - time is too precious!!

Thank you for reading!

xo
Erika

Bloody Update

Today started off rough!  The Mr is thinner, weaker, more tired, extremely pale. Getting him dressed to go to the doctor took about 2 hours, between the constant bathroom runs and the exhaustion.  His parents patiently waited 2 hours for us in their car.  Before we left the house I told him “you’re going to receive fluids and a transfusion” and he just nodded OK and put his head on my chest - he’s exhausted and tears quickly filled my eyes and all I could do at that moment was hold him and pray!  I can almost always tell what’s going to happen before seeing the doctor.  It’s one of the things I’ve always been good at, maybe I’m just extremely in tune with him, maybe it’s a gift. Who knows?!  As I told him he received fluids because he’s dehydrated and right now we’re waiting to be called so that he can get his blood transfusion. Keep in mind today was supposed to be a routine visit, nothing more but like I said I knew it would turn into something more once the results to his blood work came in and that's usually less than a 1/2 hour after drawing blood (they work fast).  Anyways, hoping and praying this makes him feel better *fingers crossed*!!  They’ve taken so much blood already and he’s gotten so much paler since being here.  THANK YOU to those that donate blood, you have no clue what a difference it makes. You are the real MVP!!!!

(rewinding back a step, fluids were given in one building and transfusion in another)
Upon arriving to our treatment suite the Chaplin spotted us. She seemed surprised to see us, she always checks the schedule so she knows exactly when the Mr is in the building but this was a last minute appointment.  My initial reaction upon seeing this woman is almost always “UGH”.  Not in a bad way but more like here comes the water works!  She ALWAYS makes me cry and usually with just the first question!  I don’t wanna cry any more, I don’t wanna talk about the future any more.  But wait!!  She says a quick hello and continues on with her business.  YES!  I felt like I dodged a bullet, she didn't want to speak to us today - great!  WRONG!!  Minutes later she walked in our room, introduced herself to my in-laws and asked if we (she and I) could take “ a walk”, by this time the hubby was asleep receiving his fluids.  I really didn’t want to go but how do you tell the Chaplin NO lol.  His parents are here and I don’t want them to see me crying.  I’m supposed to be strong!  I got this and tears sometimes is a sign of weakness and weak I am NOT!

After speaking with the Chaplin I decided to take a quick walk then I went to the bathroom to wash my face.  It was obvious tho that I’ve been crying, my face was beet red, eyes hella puffy.  The Mr noticed, I wonder if anyone else did?

UPDATE (later in the evening, 1:30 something a.m. I think):  The blood transfusion did not go as planned. He spiked a fever, heart rate was high and blood pressure was low. FUUUUUCK!!!!  FUCK MY DAMN LIFE!  This isn’t how its supposed to go!!!  I was expecting for him to receive his 2 units of blood, he was supposed to get his rosy color back and most importantly he was supposed to feel better!  Eventually we went from clinic setting to getting an expensive ambulance ride to the ER literally less than 2 blocks away.  15+ hours later we're still here and by this point we’re all exhausted.  I guess I should end it here. A long night awaits me...

Thank you for reading and I hope you all have a blessed day!  

CANCER SUCKS

Hello Everyone!

I couldn't sleep, its only 10:34pm but it seems everyone goes to bed early around here so I'm left alone and awake.  This post will be a little different, it will not be about beauty, fashion, home decor etc etc.  This is more of a personal/deeper post...

...tonight I write from a hospital family lounge while my husband is asleep.  I never talked about his condition.  I might of dropped subtle hints but I never fully written about it because not everyone (family) knew about his situation.  It's sort of out in the open now so why not talk a little about our journey. 

Without giving too much detail he has been battling (metastatic) Breast Cancer for quite some time now - since 2005 to be exact.  Yes, Breast Cancer!  Men get it too!!!!  Shocked?!  Don't be!  Several years ago statics showed that 1% of men got Breast Cancer, now that number has risen to 2%.  Crazy right?!  It has been a long hard road that only seems to be getting harder.  He's been admitted in the hospital for the last 2.5 (long) weeks.  We spent Thanksgiving here, my sister in-law was amazing enough to bring us dinner all the way from Philly.  I could sit here and say it was the worst Thanksgiving I've had in a while but nope, I will not say that because we were surrounded by people that genuinely love us.  At the end of the day that's what matters!    

Cancer fucking sucks!  It drains you mentally, physically and emotionally.  I live in constant fear especially when its time for scans.  Lately its been nothing but bad news and in my heart I know what that means.  Lets keep it real, you either survive this or you don't.  

Anyways, I'm going to end it here.  I had big plans for this blog, I had outfits of the day ready, haul posts among other stuff but the way my life is set up at this point I can't tell you what I'll be writing about next.  Be it fashion or beauty or about my life either way I'll try to post what I can.  After all, there is no greater way to release some tension/stress than to write about it.  Who knows, maybe I'll be able to help someone that is going through what I'm going through.  

Support is major key!!