Thursday, March 8, 2018

My 40th Birthday

Hello my gorgeous readers!!

In my previous post I said I'd keep you posted on how the Mr is doing but honestly so much has been going on.  I honestly haven't had the time.  Since my last post he has been hospitalized 2 more times.  It has been hard and emotionally / physically draining.  It is so easy to lose sense of self if you're not careful.  I'm fortunate enough to have my in-laws especially his sister who gives me a heads up on when she's visiting and insists I take some time for myself.  As a care giver you definitely need a break, some you time.  I'm very independent and I hate help.  If I can do it alone I would, shit I actually prefer to do things on my own.  Accepting help is not something that is easy for me to do, never was.  But take it from me, if you're in my shoes and have people offering to help, TAKE THE HELP!!!!  Don't feel guilty about it either.  You have to take care of you before you can help any one else.  I'm learning that now, some things still aren't easy for me but I'm adjusting. 

I spent my 40th birthday in the hospital, one of the saddest days of my life.  That day they made it seem like he had no time, we had to make a decision about DNR although there was a proxy, he was being released under hospice care which means the end is near, he barely woke up, spoke, I don't think I even got a "happy birthday from him".  I cried so so much that day, I went to church and cried some more.  I prayed, prayed so much!  Luckily for me I have a great support system!  I received tons of phone calls, face time, texts etc.  My in-laws came with a cake, my friends from work / BFF surprised me at the hospital with a cake, balloons, champagne, gifts etc, my sister in-law and niece came with more gifts and we went to the bar for some food and drinks.  It helped a little, cheered me up.  But once everyone went home I was stuck with a champagne bottle, drinking right in his room watching him sleep, thinking about how different last year was.  There I was, sad as fuck again, on my 40th.  Afraid of what was going to happen next.

Today he is much better and I am beyond grateful!!!!  He's not 100% himself, he can't be alone, is very weak still but he gets around and does what he can as best as he can.  He's so much better I may even return to work soon - Monday hopefully.  I take nothing for granted.  Life is hella short, live it, love it, live each day as if it were your last.  Have drama with anyone, let that shit go!  It's not worth it!!!  Time is way too short - time is too precious!!

Thank you for reading!



Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

You are an AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING woman! You MUST make time to release every and all stress tension fear tears emotions that this situation causes. I lived it for 2 years with my mother surgeries, chemo, radiation, and home care..... I did it all alone, just me and her and along the line the new life I brought into the world who is now 15 and HANDSOME AF�� But cancer sucks BIG TIME. I recognize those eyes that express everything you're feeling when your mouth says you're fine, lies. We struggle to hold on to some semblance of normalcy by saying we're fine, we don't need help, we got this, I'm good but deep down we're screaming for someone to fix it, to take our places, to tell us Sike, it's all a dream. But the reality is what it is and strong women need to know it's ok to be soft, vulnerable, weak at times because we're human, we have feelings, and sometimes life is more of a bitch than we are. Accept the help, embrace it, be soft, be vulnerable, allow yourself to feel EVERY SINGLE EMOTION happening to you in this moment, in this situation. Kick, Scream, Holler, Cry, Throw some shit,Break some shit WHAT EVER YOU NEED TO DO..... LET IT OUT, LEAVE IT TO UNIVERSE, LET THE HIGHER POWERS KNOW..... YOU AIN'T GIVING UP, LETTING GO, OR GOING DOWN EASY. YOU ARE AN AMAZING AND INSPIRING WOMAN! Keeping you, hubby and family in my meditations. We fight cancer together. BLESSINGS!

NYC Life and Glam said...

Thank you so much for your kind words!! It definitely isn't easy and I'm learning to accept the help which for me is tough to do.

*hugs* and *blessings*

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