Vacation Over

Annnnd just like that vacation is over!!!  Ugh, why can't these days go by slowly?  More like a slow work week!  WHY?

Vacation was nice, it was everything we wanted it to be - quiet and relaxing.  As I mentioned in my previous post we weren't looking to "turn up", we simply wanted some quiet time.  I didn't take many pictures, I wanted to enjoy the moment, BE IN THE MOMENT.  My phone spent a lot of time in the safe which is SURPRISING!  If you know me you know I always have my phone in my hand whether it is on or off is a whole other topic lol but its in my hand regardless.  We often miss important details because our nose is buried in our phone, social media rules most of us sadly.  This time around was different tho and it was nice.  We slept a lot, we "worked out", I focused on my mental and spiritual self.  I wrote in my journal almost every night, I colored, meditated I went to the spa multiple times, I took care of my body.  It felt good, no it felt GREAT, AMAZING, WONDERFUL!!!  I did not have anxiety at all, I was super relaxed both mentally and physically.  Why don't I do this at home?  Because life - that's why.

 I promised myself to bring some of that self care home and just pick a day when I do it - a ME DAY.  I used to have this day as a teen all the way into my 20's then it stopped, not completely but yeah, it stopped.

As I mentioned I really didn't take pictures but I posted some on my Instagram - go follow if you aren't already so that you can keep up with me.

As usual thank you for reading       

labradorite crystal and a new journal

meditation literally on the ocean AMAZING!

his daily walk

He’s Back!

Hubby Update:

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to ask how he's doing.  Thank you for all of the love, support and prayers!  It means a lot to us.

Life has been pretty good – no complaints on this end!!  We truly feel blessed!  The Mister is doing so much better.  I find myself saying "heeeee's baaaaaack" lol.  It’s been so nice to see him transform from being depressed and bed ridden to being energetic and independent.  He’s back to his normal self, not 100% but damn near close.  Even his doctor continues to be amazed!!!

We are going on a much needed vacation and we could not be more excited.  We've been through so much these last 8 months so we're just gonna take some time to reflect and relax.  We're going on another cruise so stay tuned!  

I’m attaching some photos of him from this past month.  Hope you enjoy!!

He's back on the road and he could not be happier.  Me on the other hand, well I'm more on the nervous side.

He's more fashion conscious!!  It is the most funniest thing.  He bought new clothes since he no longer fits in any of his old stuff.  When he gets dressed he'll take a selfie and sends it to me to make sure he looks good and is well coordinated.  I'm like - dude who are you?  ha ha

*blue everything cause that's his favorite color*

Bloody Update

Today started off rough!  The Mr is thinner, weaker, more tired, extremely pale. Getting him dressed to go to the doctor took about 2 hours, between the constant bathroom runs and the exhaustion.  His parents patiently waited 2 hours for us in their car.  Before we left the house I told him “you’re going to receive fluids and a transfusion” and he just nodded OK and put his head on my chest - he’s exhausted and tears quickly filled my eyes and all I could do at that moment was hold him and pray!  I can almost always tell what’s going to happen before seeing the doctor.  It’s one of the things I’ve always been good at, maybe I’m just extremely in tune with him, maybe it’s a gift. Who knows?!  As I told him he received fluids because he’s dehydrated and right now we’re waiting to be called so that he can get his blood transfusion. Keep in mind today was supposed to be a routine visit, nothing more but like I said I knew it would turn into something more once the results to his blood work came in and that's usually less than a 1/2 hour after drawing blood (they work fast).  Anyways, hoping and praying this makes him feel better *fingers crossed*!!  They’ve taken so much blood already and he’s gotten so much paler since being here.  THANK YOU to those that donate blood, you have no clue what a difference it makes. You are the real MVP!!!!

(rewinding back a step, fluids were given in one building and transfusion in another)
Upon arriving to our treatment suite the Chaplin spotted us. She seemed surprised to see us, she always checks the schedule so she knows exactly when the Mr is in the building but this was a last minute appointment.  My initial reaction upon seeing this woman is almost always “UGH”.  Not in a bad way but more like here comes the water works!  She ALWAYS makes me cry and usually with just the first question!  I don’t wanna cry any more, I don’t wanna talk about the future any more.  But wait!!  She says a quick hello and continues on with her business.  YES!  I felt like I dodged a bullet, she didn't want to speak to us today - great!  WRONG!!  Minutes later she walked in our room, introduced herself to my in-laws and asked if we (she and I) could take “ a walk”, by this time the hubby was asleep receiving his fluids.  I really didn’t want to go but how do you tell the Chaplin NO lol.  His parents are here and I don’t want them to see me crying.  I’m supposed to be strong!  I got this and tears sometimes is a sign of weakness and weak I am NOT!

After speaking with the Chaplin I decided to take a quick walk then I went to the bathroom to wash my face.  It was obvious tho that I’ve been crying, my face was beet red, eyes hella puffy.  The Mr noticed, I wonder if anyone else did?

UPDATE (later in the evening, 1:30 something a.m. I think):  The blood transfusion did not go as planned. He spiked a fever, heart rate was high and blood pressure was low. FUUUUUCK!!!!  FUCK MY DAMN LIFE!  This isn’t how its supposed to go!!!  I was expecting for him to receive his 2 units of blood, he was supposed to get his rosy color back and most importantly he was supposed to feel better!  Eventually we went from clinic setting to getting an expensive ambulance ride to the ER literally less than 2 blocks away.  15+ hours later we're still here and by this point we’re all exhausted.  I guess I should end it here. A long night awaits me...

Thank you for reading and I hope you all have a blessed day!  

Happy 2018

I hope everyone had a great New Year! 

Mine was pretty good considering.  It was spent with family which was a little different, I can’t remember the last time the husband and I did that.  The last couple of years we celebrated alone in our home, I was usually asleep by 12am.

Speaking of which the husband is doing ok, every day is a challenge.  He’s just not the same, nor does he look the same, people are noticing and they're all concerned.  He’s supposed to start treatment; actually he was supposed to start about 2 weeks ago.  The insurance denied it because he’s a MALE.  Like how is this even possible?!  He’s a male with breast cancer so the one treatment he has left and the one treatment the doctor is most hopeful about is the one giving us the most trouble to obtain.  We’re in the appeal process, we're all praying and keeping our fingers crossed.  I’ll keep you updated on that.     

The thing about going through a difficult time is that you tend to lose yourself.  Today’s comment first thing in the morning at work was “why does your hair look like that?”  Uuummmm, because I had no time to comb my hair, THAT'S WHY.  I have more important things to worry about at this point and my appearence is at the bottom of the list.  Yes, I should be taking care of myself, I get it, but when you feel down and depressed usually getting cute is the last thing on your mind.  At this point just be happy I showered *joking / not really* lol.  Depression, sadness and hard times in general can really be a mother fucker.  

I’m going to attach some random photos from Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve.  Hope yall enjoy!!!  Sorry for the poor quality, pics taken from my iPhone.

My Fighter

Jammies: Target from the Hearth & Hand with Magnolia collection.  I'm literally obsessed!!!

My New Year's Eve outfit of the night.  Simple and comfy.  Jeans:  F21

Hospital Stay - Day 17

*waving hello from the hospital*

Yup, still here!  Yesterday was rough for both him and I.  I woke up excited because he was supposed to be discharged, I could not be happier!  I had plans to make sure he was ok and settled in first and foremost BUT I was looking forward to a nice / much needed bubble bath followed by some sleep in my comfy bed.  Unfortunately he was just in too much pain and discomfort.  I wish I could take all this agony away from him - I really do!  Throw it back into the universe and let it disappear somewhere.  He kept asking for pain medication which in turn leads to him sleeping the day away, no appetite which also leads to him feeling nauseous.  He just can't catch a break!!!

Hearing the nurse say he did not get cleared to go home just broke my heart.  Aaahhhh the disappointment!  The frustration!!!  I didn't let him see me but tears came to my eyes.  I just want to go home already, I want some alone time, ME TIME!!!  I miss going to work and just doing normal things like normal people.  Normal - whatever that really means.  Perhaps this is my normal, seems that way at least.  As frustrating and stressful as all this is if they say we have to spend another night here then hey, whatever it takes for him to feel better.  No one said it would be easy but I got this, we got this.  I'm clearly getting all my strength from somewhere so I'm gonna keep on doing what I do best - take care of him.

"you don't know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have"

CANCER SUCKS

Hello Everyone!

I couldn't sleep, its only 10:34pm but it seems everyone goes to bed early around here so I'm left alone and awake.  This post will be a little different, it will not be about beauty, fashion, home decor etc etc.  This is more of a personal/deeper post...

...tonight I write from a hospital family lounge while my husband is asleep.  I never talked about his condition.  I might of dropped subtle hints but I never fully written about it because not everyone (family) knew about his situation.  It's sort of out in the open now so why not talk a little about our journey. 

Without giving too much detail he has been battling (metastatic) Breast Cancer for quite some time now - since 2005 to be exact.  Yes, Breast Cancer!  Men get it too!!!!  Shocked?!  Don't be!  Several years ago statics showed that 1% of men got Breast Cancer, now that number has risen to 2%.  Crazy right?!  It has been a long hard road that only seems to be getting harder.  He's been admitted in the hospital for the last 2.5 (long) weeks.  We spent Thanksgiving here, my sister in-law was amazing enough to bring us dinner all the way from Philly.  I could sit here and say it was the worst Thanksgiving I've had in a while but nope, I will not say that because we were surrounded by people that genuinely love us.  At the end of the day that's what matters!    

Cancer fucking sucks!  It drains you mentally, physically and emotionally.  I live in constant fear especially when its time for scans.  Lately its been nothing but bad news and in my heart I know what that means.  Lets keep it real, you either survive this or you don't.  

Anyways, I'm going to end it here.  I had big plans for this blog, I had outfits of the day ready, haul posts among other stuff but the way my life is set up at this point I can't tell you what I'll be writing about next.  Be it fashion or beauty or about my life either way I'll try to post what I can.  After all, there is no greater way to release some tension/stress than to write about it.  Who knows, maybe I'll be able to help someone that is going through what I'm going through.  

Support is major key!!