My 40th Birthday

Hello my gorgeous readers!!

In my previous post I said I'd keep you posted on how the Mr is doing but honestly so much has been going on.  I honestly haven't had the time.  Since my last post he has been hospitalized 2 more times.  It has been hard and emotionally / physically draining.  It is so easy to lose sense of self if you're not careful.  I'm fortunate enough to have my in-laws especially his sister who gives me a heads up on when she's visiting and insists I take some time for myself.  As a care giver you definitely need a break, some you time.  I'm very independent and I hate help.  If I can do it alone I would, shit I actually prefer to do things on my own.  Accepting help is not something that is easy for me to do, never was.  But take it from me, if you're in my shoes and have people offering to help, TAKE THE HELP!!!!  Don't feel guilty about it either.  You have to take care of you before you can help any one else.  I'm learning that now, some things still aren't easy for me but I'm adjusting. 

I spent my 40th birthday in the hospital, one of the saddest days of my life.  That day they made it seem like he had no time, we had to make a decision about DNR although there was a proxy, he was being released under hospice care which means the end is near, he barely woke up, spoke, I don't think I even got a "happy birthday from him".  I cried so so much that day, I went to church and cried some more.  I prayed, prayed so much!  Luckily for me I have a great support system!  I received tons of phone calls, face time, texts etc.  My in-laws came with a cake, my friends from work / BFF surprised me at the hospital with a cake, balloons, champagne, gifts etc, my sister in-law and niece came with more gifts and we went to the bar for some food and drinks.  It helped a little, cheered me up.  But once everyone went home I was stuck with a champagne bottle, drinking right in his room watching him sleep, thinking about how different last year was.  There I was, sad as fuck again, on my 40th.  Afraid of what was going to happen next.

Today he is much better and I am beyond grateful!!!!  He's not 100% himself, he can't be alone, is very weak still but he gets around and does what he can as best as he can.  He's so much better I may even return to work soon - Monday hopefully.  I take nothing for granted.  Life is hella short, live it, love it, live each day as if it were your last.  Have drama with anyone, let that shit go!  It's not worth it!!!  Time is way too short - time is too precious!!

Thank you for reading!

xo
Erika

Happy 2018

I hope everyone had a great New Year! 

Mine was pretty good considering.  It was spent with family which was a little different, I can’t remember the last time the husband and I did that.  The last couple of years we celebrated alone in our home, I was usually asleep by 12am.

Speaking of which the husband is doing ok, every day is a challenge.  He’s just not the same, nor does he look the same, people are noticing and they're all concerned.  He’s supposed to start treatment; actually he was supposed to start about 2 weeks ago.  The insurance denied it because he’s a MALE.  Like how is this even possible?!  He’s a male with breast cancer so the one treatment he has left and the one treatment the doctor is most hopeful about is the one giving us the most trouble to obtain.  We’re in the appeal process, we're all praying and keeping our fingers crossed.  I’ll keep you updated on that.     

The thing about going through a difficult time is that you tend to lose yourself.  Today’s comment first thing in the morning at work was “why does your hair look like that?”  Uuummmm, because I had no time to comb my hair, THAT'S WHY.  I have more important things to worry about at this point and my appearence is at the bottom of the list.  Yes, I should be taking care of myself, I get it, but when you feel down and depressed usually getting cute is the last thing on your mind.  At this point just be happy I showered *joking / not really* lol.  Depression, sadness and hard times in general can really be a mother fucker.  

I’m going to attach some random photos from Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve.  Hope yall enjoy!!!  Sorry for the poor quality, pics taken from my iPhone.

My Fighter

Jammies: Target from the Hearth & Hand with Magnolia collection.  I'm literally obsessed!!!

My New Year's Eve outfit of the night.  Simple and comfy.  Jeans:  F21

Hospital Stay - Day 17

*waving hello from the hospital*

Yup, still here!  Yesterday was rough for both him and I.  I woke up excited because he was supposed to be discharged, I could not be happier!  I had plans to make sure he was ok and settled in first and foremost BUT I was looking forward to a nice / much needed bubble bath followed by some sleep in my comfy bed.  Unfortunately he was just in too much pain and discomfort.  I wish I could take all this agony away from him - I really do!  Throw it back into the universe and let it disappear somewhere.  He kept asking for pain medication which in turn leads to him sleeping the day away, no appetite which also leads to him feeling nauseous.  He just can't catch a break!!!

Hearing the nurse say he did not get cleared to go home just broke my heart.  Aaahhhh the disappointment!  The frustration!!!  I didn't let him see me but tears came to my eyes.  I just want to go home already, I want some alone time, ME TIME!!!  I miss going to work and just doing normal things like normal people.  Normal - whatever that really means.  Perhaps this is my normal, seems that way at least.  As frustrating and stressful as all this is if they say we have to spend another night here then hey, whatever it takes for him to feel better.  No one said it would be easy but I got this, we got this.  I'm clearly getting all my strength from somewhere so I'm gonna keep on doing what I do best - take care of him.

"you don't know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have"

CANCER SUCKS

Hello Everyone!

I couldn't sleep, its only 10:34pm but it seems everyone goes to bed early around here so I'm left alone and awake.  This post will be a little different, it will not be about beauty, fashion, home decor etc etc.  This is more of a personal/deeper post...

...tonight I write from a hospital family lounge while my husband is asleep.  I never talked about his condition.  I might of dropped subtle hints but I never fully written about it because not everyone (family) knew about his situation.  It's sort of out in the open now so why not talk a little about our journey. 

Without giving too much detail he has been battling (metastatic) Breast Cancer for quite some time now - since 2005 to be exact.  Yes, Breast Cancer!  Men get it too!!!!  Shocked?!  Don't be!  Several years ago statics showed that 1% of men got Breast Cancer, now that number has risen to 2%.  Crazy right?!  It has been a long hard road that only seems to be getting harder.  He's been admitted in the hospital for the last 2.5 (long) weeks.  We spent Thanksgiving here, my sister in-law was amazing enough to bring us dinner all the way from Philly.  I could sit here and say it was the worst Thanksgiving I've had in a while but nope, I will not say that because we were surrounded by people that genuinely love us.  At the end of the day that's what matters!    

Cancer fucking sucks!  It drains you mentally, physically and emotionally.  I live in constant fear especially when its time for scans.  Lately its been nothing but bad news and in my heart I know what that means.  Lets keep it real, you either survive this or you don't.  

Anyways, I'm going to end it here.  I had big plans for this blog, I had outfits of the day ready, haul posts among other stuff but the way my life is set up at this point I can't tell you what I'll be writing about next.  Be it fashion or beauty or about my life either way I'll try to post what I can.  After all, there is no greater way to release some tension/stress than to write about it.  Who knows, maybe I'll be able to help someone that is going through what I'm going through.  

Support is major key!!