My 40th Birthday

Hello my gorgeous readers!!

In my previous post I said I'd keep you posted on how the Mr is doing but honestly so much has been going on.  I honestly haven't had the time.  Since my last post he has been hospitalized 2 more times.  It has been hard and emotionally / physically draining.  It is so easy to lose sense of self if you're not careful.  I'm fortunate enough to have my in-laws especially his sister who gives me a heads up on when she's visiting and insists I take some time for myself.  As a care giver you definitely need a break, some you time.  I'm very independent and I hate help.  If I can do it alone I would, shit I actually prefer to do things on my own.  Accepting help is not something that is easy for me to do, never was.  But take it from me, if you're in my shoes and have people offering to help, TAKE THE HELP!!!!  Don't feel guilty about it either.  You have to take care of you before you can help any one else.  I'm learning that now, some things still aren't easy for me but I'm adjusting. 

I spent my 40th birthday in the hospital, one of the saddest days of my life.  That day they made it seem like he had no time, we had to make a decision about DNR although there was a proxy, he was being released under hospice care which means the end is near, he barely woke up, spoke, I don't think I even got a "happy birthday from him".  I cried so so much that day, I went to church and cried some more.  I prayed, prayed so much!  Luckily for me I have a great support system!  I received tons of phone calls, face time, texts etc.  My in-laws came with a cake, my friends from work / BFF surprised me at the hospital with a cake, balloons, champagne, gifts etc, my sister in-law and niece came with more gifts and we went to the bar for some food and drinks.  It helped a little, cheered me up.  But once everyone went home I was stuck with a champagne bottle, drinking right in his room watching him sleep, thinking about how different last year was.  There I was, sad as fuck again, on my 40th.  Afraid of what was going to happen next.

Today he is much better and I am beyond grateful!!!!  He's not 100% himself, he can't be alone, is very weak still but he gets around and does what he can as best as he can.  He's so much better I may even return to work soon - Monday hopefully.  I take nothing for granted.  Life is hella short, live it, love it, live each day as if it were your last.  Have drama with anyone, let that shit go!  It's not worth it!!!  Time is way too short - time is too precious!!

Thank you for reading!

xo
Erika