Life Happened...



Hello Everyone!!

Soooo, its been forever since my last post.  I really don't know where to start but I will say this, HOLY HELL this has been one f*cked up year for me!  This post isn't going to be about beauty, fashion or skin care.  Its going to be a bit more deeper, personal.

2013 has been by far the hardest year I've had in a very long time.  Recently I've had people asking me why I haven't blogged or posted a YouTube vid especially now that I'm not working.  Well, life happened!  It literally knocked me down and I haven't gotten back up.  I'm not motivated.  Nothing interests me anymore.  I don't laugh / smile like I used too.  I stopped calling friends.  The things I once enjoyed I no longer care for.  I haven't been into celebrating any holidays which is sad because Christmas is my favorite holiday and I find myself getting sadder as it approaches.  I'm just in a "I don't want to be bothered" state of mind.  If I could sleep my days away I definitely would and I have.  What exactly happened to me?  Well...

I should start by saying I was not partying like the rest of the world on New Years Eve, 12/31/2012 I was sleeping.  I remember waking up to the sound of people screaming HAPPY NEW YEAR and me feeling such sadness.  I don't even think hubby and I said Happy New Year to each other.  From that point on I knew it was a bad sign, I felt it.  Moving forward, I was not happy @ work and it definitely showed in my performance / attitude and I was getting in trouble.  In May I unexpectedly lost my dad.  I miss him terribly, sometimes I play old voicemail messages he left me.  Probably not the most healthiest thing to do but hey at least I get to hear his voice / laughter. In July while on vacation I got really sick and I lost a day because I missed my flight (I had a mini melt down at the airport).  It's not like me to be unorganized, I'm always on point w/ my stuff.  While on vacation my cat got sick.  She was diagnosed w/ cancer.  I was selfish and refused to put her down.  Hubby would ask me "do you think she's suffering?"  I'd say no but deep down I knew she was but I just wasn't ready to let her go.  Yea she was just a cat but she was / is my baby, my "first born" if you will.  September 18th I noticed something was different / off with her and in my heart I just knew *sigh*.  I picked her up, kissed her, put her on her bed, kind of said my goodbyes and went to bed.  When I woke up the following morning she was gone.  It broke my heart to have to wakeup hubby to tell him because he was the one that took care of her, they developed a bond towards the end.  I used to call them my 2 cancer patients because although he took care of her, I took care of them - make sense?  His reaction broke my heart.  Anyways, I wrapped her stiff body up and took her to the vet.  I cried the entire day!  Several weeks later (now in October) a very good friend of mine (hubby's best friend) passed away.  That very same day we got the call about our friend I got home from work and I hadn't even taken off my jacket when I get a call about my aunt - she passed away too.  REALLY??  WTF??!!!  I was just not getting a break!!!  I guess by this point I'm in a state of shock, somewhat numb.  How much more can I handle?  How many more losses?  Why now?  Why us?  Why me?  Last month, November I got fired after working there for 7 years.  Need I say more??  No I was not happy w/ the job, the commute sucked, the money sucked, I was going nowhere there BUT I developed a bond w/ the people.  That's what hurts me the most, the fact that I won't see, talk and just plain ole laugh with my co-workers / friends.  I miss them soooo much!!!  It's like I lost them too!  I guess I should also mention hubby's health isn't 100%, my mom's health also isn't 100%, my relationship w/ my brother took a sudden turn for the worst which is sad because we were super close our entire lives AND my step-dad got incarcerated.  It is now December and I'm patiently waiting for something to happen.  Sad right? 

So yea, Fuck you 2013, I HATE YOU!  I'm hoping 2014 is better, it has to be!!!  I guess things happen for a reason.  Maybe this post is a bit depressing and a bit too personal.  I actually wasn't going to post it but this is life - MY LIFE.  Not everything is always peaches and cream so I decided, screw it I'm going to write about it.  Not only will you get an understanding of my actions lately and why I have that "sad look" as some people have said but it helps me to just release it. 
 
*exhale* 

 

Thank you for reading.

xoxo,

Erika         



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